I look around at my life and I am so excited in most things but I really wish that some things were different. I guess things just aren't the way that I had imagined them being. I am struggling right now with getting started with the new job and struggling with some other situations that have come up over the course of the last couple of months. Why do we let the unkown have such an impact on the here and now? I have always just let certain situations and certain things get to me in a way that I absolutely hate. Why, especially with my past and new found faith, do I let things that I have no control over control me? I think that we all do this to a degree. We try and manipulate ourselves into thinking that we are in control and in all reality we don't have control over anything. For instance I dont care how well your dog is trained, if it wants to turn on you, it will. We do not have control over this thing that we call our life so why do we let it control us? That question may never have an answer that makes us all say, "WOW". I know that I have said that God is in control and I have heard that all my life but rather than saying it lets start living it.

I have also felt that I have to be the strong arm in any situation. I grew up with 3 sisters and that alone will make you tough. probably tougher than having 3 brothers. But I have always felt as though I have to be strong and I can't let anyone see my pain, struggles, or heartache. I feel like I have to be this man made of steel and never let anyone know what is going on with the real Cody Keel. It is so frustrating to be this person. It is so frustrating to have such a huge burden put on your shoulders. Now I know that people dont expect all this from me but rather I have put this weight on my own shoulders. I want to let go of this. I want to be the one that gets help from time to time not the one that feels I have to help everyone around me. I have to let people live their lives and let them make the decisions they feel are right and let them follow what they know God is calling them to do. I have to quit letting me get in the way of God and myself. Sadly I feel like I have to quit giving my all and going "all in" in a lot that I do. That is pretty tough for me because I have always been told that if your going to do something then do it with everything that is inside you. Do everything with as much passion as you have and if you can't do that then don't get involved with it. That is probably one of the biggest reasons that I have been hurt by relationship after relationship. I put my all into someone and either they are automatically freaked by that a lil or they use that against me. Each and everyday I think back to the old saying of nice guys always come in last and now looking back as much as Ihate to come in last, I would rather come in last and have something with meaning and substance than come first and end up in a relationship like what I have been in before. I guess that I am just throwing myself a pitty party and need to grow up but I dont care. I sit and look at both of my roommates that are engaged or fixing to be engaged and I say to myself, "When is it gonna be my turn to have a relationship like that." I just begin to wonder whats wrong with me. But hey, as much as it sucks I honestly would rather come in last as a nice guy that has done things right, than the guy that came in first and has been shady about things. I guess I gave myself all the answers that I was looking for today a few days ago when I wrote the blog about why I quit the last job with Aquafuzion. I won't put my morals and standards in jeopardy because of anything. And anyone that ask you to do that is not a friend and not a anything that I want to be involved in.

That is why I love blogging. I always find that God can use so many different things to shine a little light on what your going through right now and give you some peace about things through looking at something that has no connection other than the moral of the entire story.

By the way I just did something that I never thought that I would do. I just thanked someone for turning me down again. Talk about a wierd day.