Tonight i had a very weird emotion overcome me. In talking with a friend I found myself feeling guilty for what she and her sister have been and are going through. I look back and just wonder how many people that I could have impacted in a positive way over the last 4yrs of my life and instead I wondered around chasing things that were if anything were impacting them negatively. Every new story that I hear from this friend, brings on this emotion of guilt that runs thick through my soul. I wasn't there for her during all these very tough and challenging times that she has been through. I wasn't there for her as she was beaten by her ex. I wasn't there for her or anyone else in the last 4yrs. I wish that I could get those years of my life back with the knowledge that I have now and make much wiser decisions and take care of all those great and true friends all around me. I just look around all the time and see everyone that I used to run around with back when I was doing things right and it almost seems like everyone is stuggling and I am the hypocrit because at one time I was doing just the same things as they are doing now. I just hate the fact that I have lost 4yrs of my life to the things that I was involved in. I hate the fact that I can never make up for that. And mostly I hate the fact that I couldnt help those that needed me then and are struggling now to sort through all the pieces of brokeness and heart ache to see where they fit in this complicated thing of life. Like the title of this says "Where is the rewind button for life?" But seriously I am really struggling right now with my past coming back to haunt me. How long does it take before we see that all things work out for good in the end. When am I supposed to get this feeling of all is forgotten? Or does that feeling ever even come?
Now I am not saying that living the way that I am now that I don't see that nothing is better. I see the many blessing that God gives me each and every day. All I am saying is when can I look back and see that those 4yrs are 4yrs of time that will and has impacted someone so greatly that everything isn't done in vain? Because right now all I can see is that I wasn't there for friends or family that needed me. I wasn't there when they needed me the most! When does that guilt go away? When does the pain of watching and listening to stories and watching life begin to heal?
Its so hard to see that God will and can use everything for His glory given that we allow Him to. I know that things take time to play out. Whats the old saying...The greatest things in life are worth waiting for. I know they are but its this regret that brings us down to the dark gloomy valley in life where it almost seems that there is no end in sight. I hope that I will soon rise above the fog and see the positive impact that I will have on many people through God. But please keep me in your prayers and please please please don't live your life in a way that you will ever have this burden of regret! I love ya'll.
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What you have been through has made you the person you are today...that is very positive and productive! You have to give it to God to do the forgiving and then you have to use it in a completely positive learning experience way...in order to go on with your "very positive" life and to help those around you. You are looked up to and loved by many people so keep your head up and continue to keep God in the center of your life and you will see - eventually- the positive outcome. Love You...Momma!!
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